Discovering My Neurodivergence

The day I decided to be happy.

It all began when I decided to be happy. 2020 had just begun. I was ready to start over with the new year and finally make the decision to actively be happy, to choose it everyday no matter how hard it was. This decision is what unknowingly set me on my path of discovering my neurodivergence and seeking a diagnosis.

As a kid in the 90s there wasn’t much information on ADHD and hardly still any information on how it impacts females assigned at birth. Although I felt different from everyone I never quite knew why, especially because a lot of they way ADHD shows up in women is also associated with gender stereotypes (daydreaming, excessive talking, and forgetfulness). None of the adults in my life thought there was anything different about me externally and I was expected to act the same as my peers, something I internalized my entire life.

Jackie in Kindergarten

Early Life Symptoms:

• Sensory Issues

• Trouble with eye contact

• Inability to sit still

• Difficulty focusing

• Becoming nonverbal when over stimulated

• Hyper talkative

• Frustration without specified direction

These internalizations caused me to begin masking. But what is masking? Essentially masking is a way of managing how you are perceived externally. This can be forcing eye contact, suppressing vocal and physical stims, avoiding certain social interactions and more. Masking helps neurodivergent persons attempt to blend in and seem “normal” to avoid being “othered”. Masking causes many of its own issues for neurodivergent people essentially forcing them to neglect their needs for the comfort of others, pushing them to burn out.

Masking relates to general social practices (such as identity management) and is often driven by stigma avoidance.

-“Masking Is Life”: Experiences of Masking in Autistic and Nonautistic Adults

Danielle Miller, BSc, Jon Rees, MBBS, and Amy Pearson, PhD

As you can imagine all of this has made working very difficult. My symptoms made it easy for me to be misunderstood, have trouble connecting with my peers, constantly taking on too much, and eventually having breakdowns. I looked at my peers and wondered how they could not only deal with the expectations at work but also deal with the struggles of just being a human. Doing chores, upkeeping medical and hygiene tasks, and engaging in social activities outside of work. I thought maybe I was just bad at being a person. The words I heard my whole life echoed,

“Just do it, its not that hard”

“If everyone else can do it, so can you”

“don’t be so lazy”.

I felt like I was treading through mud and everyday the mud got thicker and deeper, while everyone else seemed to walk through it no problem. It wasn’t until 2020 that I decided I didn’t want to live that way anymore and found out I might be neurodivergent. 

Jackie in Corporate Life

Adult Life Symptoms:

• Trouble creating and maintaining relationships

• Time blindness and hyperfocus

• Constantly losing things and issues with spatial awareness

• Executive disfunction and trouble with task initiation

• All or nothing approach

• Misunderstandings and miscommunication

• Perceived as challenging authority

• Performing at 120%

• Sporadic emotional seemingly out of the blue responses in certain situations

I researched for 4 years. I read medical resources and books around ADHD and Autism. I talked with friends and family who had a formal diagnosis in both and saw what others in the community were experiencing in their day to day lives. I began to realized many similarities and started to adopt systems to help with my symptoms. I self diagnosed until I was financially in a place to seek a traditional diagnosis this year and after 4 months I finally had a diagnosis provided to me just last month. Even still, there is disagreement among my medical team as to whether I'm autistic and or have anxiety disorder.

At 31 I received my ADHD diagnosis

That’s 31 years of trying to keep my head above water, not knowing why I seemed to struggle with things those around me had no problem with. But even before my diagnosis I realized how masking was negatively impacting my life. It exacerbated my anxiety, made me isolate more often, and overall put me in a really dark place. To learn what I truly needed and who I was at my core, I needed to unmask. Learning to unmask isn’t easy so I started the only way I knew how:

• No longer perceiving myself as weird

• Grounding to be more present and in my body

• Allowing myself to stim freely

• Identifying safe relationships where I could reduce or completely stop masking

• Stopping negative self talk and self deprecating jokes

• Being kinder to myself on hard days

• Feeling my emotions instead of rationalizing them

I began in my room, by myself unpacking the harsh judgement I had of myself. I let myself stim and do all the things I was too scared to do around others. My breakthrough came one night while watching tv. Some of you may relate but I realized I was sitting with my hand up. As soon as I noticed I quickly put it down and adjusted myself to a more 'normal and acceptable posture'. Then I said out loud “who am I performing for?”

Talk to yourself out loud

I've never been one for journaling so I started speaking out loud to myself. "No one is here besides me. Why does it matter if I'm being weird?" I took a few deep breaths and checked in with myself to see what my body needed. Turns out holding my hand up in the air wasn't all. Before long I was twisted up in a nice stretch for my back and settled in to keep watching tv. Anytime those thoughts of how "odd" I must look or how "people would think I'm weird" I would confront them out loud, forcing myself to hear it. After a few days I noticed those judgmental thoughts less and less. Then I realized the less I policed my body the more relaxed I felt despite whatever strange shape I had contorted myself into on a chair.

Jackie strikes a playful pose on a round, cushioned seat, adding a touch of whimsy to the moment.

It was like I was a different person. I looked around at other aspects of my life and wondered what would happen if I stopped forcing myself to be what everyone told me I had to be to fit in. This is what sent me spiraling down a path of discovering who I really was at my core. Realizing there were things I didn't actually like but just tolerated or that I was denying myself simple pleasures that I thought were too cringe to like.

All of this to say that you know yourself better than anyone else. If you've been wondering if you are neurodivergent, do a lot of research, talk to your diagnosed friends and family, and speak with a medical professional.